Follow-Up: Victory Without Competition Part II

After my last blog post about suffering through an eating disorder after starting to compete in bikini competitions, someone asked me: "Is possible to compete without being unhealthy and doing all this?"... oh my gosh, YES! 

If you had this thought ^ please read my blog again. I talk about some women who I consider to be great example of how to be a healthy, balanced competitor without developing an eating disorder, or a disorder of any kind for that matter. 
Linked here: My Testimony of Overcoming Bulimia: "Victory Without Competition" 

The truth is, MANY men and women do compete in a healthy way. An eating disorder is NOT the only outcome from competing, but on the same note... sadly for many - it is the outcome. Many factors play into the difference between a healthy and a non-healthy competitor: the workouts (excessive?), the diet (strict? repetitive? unrealistic? too specific?), the person's goals (unrealistic? unhealthy?), the person's disposition (perfectionist?), support system (is there any?), pressure from others (or from self), self-esteem (is it low?), background (problem with food before?) ...etc. Just like not every soldier gets post-traumatic stress disorder after war or every college student gains the freshman 15; not every competitor binges, purges, and/or has bulimia after undergoing a contest prep. I mean no disrespect by the soldier analogy... soldiers undergo a much more valiant pursuit that a bikini show. In either area of "war" though, either against an eating disorder or against depression after war, there is a massive amount of mental trauma. A soldier battles a physical enemy on a battlefield, and later the demons and mental issues in the battlefield of the mind. For me, the physical enemy was myself. Both of us experienced very real traumas. The way someone handles stress and deals with the emotional trauma of pressure, physical difficulty, anger, depression, sadness, etc is unique to the individual and that - combined with a multitude of other factors - produces either a good or bad stress reaction. Mine was obviously very bad. 

Also, I want to just draw attention to the idea that I take full personal responsibility for my choices that led me to where I was; meaning I don't blame the sport, my coach, my teammates, my family...anyone. I personally was the one who made the choice to continue to compete and try to get "more perfect" even after I started seeing problems with food arise.  I do NOT blame ANYONE else for the outcome! I did what I did; and I learned what I'm not sure I would have ever learned about myself otherwise. I really wish I could have gotten stronger through something less torturous... but when I really think about it I am glad for my troubles. I have had amazing opportunities to speak hope into ladies lives who are in the darkest depths of where I was... and encourage them that there is a way out - and show them that way out: counseling, Cognitive Behavioral therapy, adjustments to body image/goals. Through this struggle I inadvertently also taught myself the VERY important lesson that YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF and NOT see "success" and "perfection" as superior aspirations to JOY and HEALTH. I share my story not to bash anyone or any sport, but to share what I have learned (the hard way) so that it will Lord-willing help someone out there who needed to hear something like this. God will use my story for someone's healing, He already has! I had to first endure it, and then be vulnerable and brave enough to write an honest account of my experience. I hope no one goes through what I did, but if you are going through it now - know that it is TEMPORARY and you CAN escape.

After writing my blog post, some very courageous and strong ladies shared their amazing stories with me and I wanted to pass along their encouraging stories of victory here. They overcame not only eating disorders; but poor body image, negative self talk, pressure from themselves and society, and the perfection rat-race. An eating disorder is not just a behavior you start or stop - there is a ROOT cause. THAT is what must be healed and/or removed to repair the eating habits.

Other blogs:

• Former teammate of mine, IFBB Bikini Pro Shelsea Montes' story 
• FitGalChal's story
• My friend, and former teammate, Electra's story @ VanillaBeanLean 
• Angie Gooding's story

An amazingly powerful quote from Fit Gal Chal:

" I know how it feels to hate your self, and I also know how it feels to love yourself. I can promise you that loving yourself has so many more benefits. "

Fit Gal Chal also said this, which I can completely agree with in my own story: 

"There is NO one person, or one thing to blame for the onset of my struggles. The possible genes I was born with, my long history in the dance world with the “thin ideal” being my goal, my own insecurities, not handling stress in healthy ways, my need for perfection, and plenty more things all played equal roles as the triggers and onset of my unhealthy, addictive behaviors." 

 

Bex, of BexLife.com said this: "Body hate knows no size. You could be a 6 foot tall 100 lb model and hate your body.” Which is sadly so so true. I was a 5'10" 130lb bikini athlete and hated my body- it needed so many improvements (in my former, super critical perfectionist opinion). 

Electra said this in her post, "What's Beautiful" on Vanilla Bean Lean (linked above) blog, which is such an empowering and beautiful statement:

"I will continue to walk the walk myself & inspire others that a lean lifestyle is NOT about deprivation but about fueling each day and each intense, sweaty workout session with proper fuel. I will continue to transform my body and remind myself I am beautiful, daily! I will fuel, not deprive. I will be excellent, not perfect."

Amen, Electra!! Below is the YouTube video I published a to thank ya'll of the incredible support I've received since I wrote my testimony/confession of struggling with an eating disorder. 

In the video I also mention some steps I am taking to regain my health after totally trashing it with competing, overtraining, overSTRESSING, bulimia, not sleeping, etc. I have my work cut out for me but I am being kind to my body now and progress will be slow but stead to recover my full health. I have been researching Adrenal Fatigue over at my  Ruthie Harrison Athlete Page on Facebook. Post-bulimia, I've learned things I WISH I KNEW when I competed!! EVERYONE who trains and is looking to improve their fitness (not just competitors) should go read what I've learned about excessive cardio & chiropractic work ... those two things alone will make a HUGE effect on how healthy you are. 

I can't say thank you enough for accepting me, even with a big terrible battle, with open arms! I love ya'll! 

Blessings,

Ruthie 

Victory Without Competition

My mind races, my hands quiver uncontrollably, and my heart beats in what feels like slow motion as I type this...

A strange mix of emotions swell up within me: feelings of great delight and relief to finally be disclosing something I struggled with for a long time - but have now overcome; yet also I feel twinges of pain and shame for what I have done. These thoughts fight back and forth in my mind as I begin to share with you - no, more like tear back the curtain  - over a dark and silent desperation. Oh, how I wanted so badly to write this post earlier! Oh how I yearned to be well, to be cured, to be fit, normal, healthy, and vigorous again. One of the most painful truths I have ever learned is that:

You Cannot Go From "Before" To "After" Without "During."

Many times I was still in the "During" and couldn't see the light of "After," but  I felt so far from "Before!" 

The is a light at the end of a long and difficult journey

What secret and silent desperation could I possibly be talking about? My life is shared candidly and honestly on a daily basis over Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and this blog.

That being said, you likely already know that I started competing in NPC Bikini competitions about two years ago (The full story here: Going For It: My First Competition) The first show was a really more of a way to spice up my fitness routine by testing  my physique against the fittest in the Montana countryside than anything else. I wasn't going for the win or the title, I was kinda just curious and thought, "why not?" Not a very compelling backstory to an IFBB Pro card and a Ms. Bikini Olympia International invite to say, 'a college classmate of mine just suggested I do a bikini competition,' but that's all it took! From there I was off to be the best (More on that here: Bikini Babay!). 

My very first show

From my first show to winning my Pro card

After my first show I decided to get serious about being a #1 bikini competitor (My post on that here: IT. IS. ON.). I hired the best coach in the field, I paid for a year in advance, and I signed up for more shows. I was going to get good at this! ... Gosh this is hard to actually voice the problem I started this post to confess to you!...  Here goes: Four months later, during the competition prep for my first show under a professional trainer, I developed an eating disorder. What started in the same way that many competitors consider a usual occurance: a week of extreme dieting followed by a weekly cheat meal, a post show binge here, a "refeed" there; ended in full blown Bulimia Nervosa, a disintegrated metabolism, a wrecked body, and a self-deprecating and fragile girl struggling to reassemble all the shattered pieces. Let me warn you my dear fellow fitness competitors: Beware of the binge/diet cycle. It is delirious and organized gluttony. And it is just that: a cycle, that once started may never end, or may take years to escape. It took me almost two years.

Post-show binging is not harmless and it is not healthy.

You guys, this is so hard to talk about. It is so difficult to try to explain why I would do such a horrible and destructive thing as eat copious amounts of the foods that I knew would ruin my fitness goals, and then shortly thereafter: drink hot water, lay on the floor rolling my stomach to loosen it back up, and then spend a half hour over the toilet bowl wretching up as much as I could - until my eyes were swollen and tear filled, and my heart was beating in my forehead. I was so caught up in the desire and the pressure to get better and better... to not only preform, but win... to be what the judges wanted. I honestly have no idea what my thoughts were at the time. I defined myself by what I thought others wanted from me, and I would do ANYTHING to maintain and acheive that. Anything. When the pressure got to great? Binge. A flurry of stuffing everything from peanut butter and cheese, to frosting, to straight coconut oil and sugar mixed together. Sometimes it was fast food: 3 orders of curly fries and cheesecake. Sometimes it was bakery goods: donuts, brownies, cookies. Sometimes it was pizza and wine. Sometimes... it was all of that and more. Fast-farward... through the emotion-numbing and pressure releasing binge... to the guilt. A split second after realizing, "Oh SH!T, I just ate X,000 calories" comes the damage control: the purge.... The desperate attempt at preserving my "fit" image and perceived successful happiness.  Eventually the fear of failing and being "fat" prevailed (this would be the purge) over just wanting to escape it all, throw my hands up, just have some fun, and not worry about it all anymore (this would be the binge). I blush to say this cycle would repeat itself up to ten times in a given day. Actually, I got too depressed to keep count. I have no idea what my highest number of binges in a day was... It was A LOT. You see, I set massive amounts of pressure on myself to succeed, and massive amounts of pressure can make someone do almost anything to achieve success. I felt like (and was often told this as well) that I had a gift/blessing for this sport, and if I didn't give it 110% of all I had then I was failing myself and the world! Some common thoughts I had included:

"I need to get a 21 inch waist,"
"My glutes aren't tight enough,"
"___ is gonna beat me if I don't push harder,"
"People look up to me, I can't disappoint them!"
"I have to impress the judges, I have to catch their eye!"
"I am expected to do ___ show,"
"I have to do this. I can't quit now,"
"I want this too bad to fail."
"___ said I inspire them, I can't let them down!"
"I have to finish what I started!"

I got extremely skinny, but I never felt small
enough. I always pushed farther. I didn't want
to be weak or stop short of maximum effort.

Competing brought out a savage underlying weakness: to sacrifice all happiness and reason for the sake of succeeding. Succeeding at that which I was convinced was my "calling," because as I did well, I was encouraged... and encouragement feels good! At first. But then, all I was accomplishing was what other people wanted to see me do. At the root, it wasn't competing that made me prone to an eating disorder. It was taking that desire for other's approval, for getting that "you are #1." approval from the judges, from my coach, from my teammates, and from those who followed my budding fitness career.

Tiny waist and tight glutes were the only things
that mattered in my mind when I was competing 

_________________________________________________________

As a necessary step to regain a healthy lifestyle and win my battle with an eating disorder, I have decided it is best for my health - both mentally and physically -  to not continue to compete in IFBB Bikini competitions. This is a choice I had to make for me. Some of you already knew I about this, but for those of you who didn't I hope all of my amazing friends, former teammates, and followers understand my decision. I am so much happier and healthier now! And trust me, this is not the last you've seen of Ruthie Harrison ;) I have a great passion for sharing health and fitness with anyone who will listen, and this battle with bulimia will ultimately makes my mission even more effective.

_________________________________________________________

Fitness competitions are NOT, in and of themselves, inherently evil! NO! Fitness competitions can be great catalysts to self-confidence, to personal betterment, to improved self-value, to meeting like-minded and lifelong friends, to finally learning how to workout and eat clean, and to finally believe and prove to yourself that you CAN and WILL reach a goal if you work hard.  That is a very positive thing and Lord-knows how many women and men in this world would benefit from finding that out!

I know this feeling of pride and PROVING to yourself that you can do what you set out to accomplish. I accomplished what I set out to do: I earned my IFBB Pro card. I didn't cheat, I didn't take steriods, I didn't do favors for the judges, pay off any one or do anything dishonest ... no, I just worked my butt off and achieve fast, jaw-dropping, transforming results. My efforts sculpted a winning physique, won shows, earned my Pro card, and fast. 

Earning my Pro card was one of the most gratifying feelings in the world. 

HOLY. 

SMOKES. 

I WON!

I worked so, so, so hard to get there - so many workouts, so much dieting, so many expenses - literally, emotionally and physically; but it didn't matter because I DID IT! It was all worth it in that moment. My journey from rookie to professional wouldn't have been near as swift without the mentoring of my coach; but my commitment to strict dieting and an intense workout plan brought me the physique I needed to join the top ranks. From there, I even earned a spot in the 2012 Bikini Olympia. NO coach out there wants anyone to develop an eating disorder, and I want to make it clear that I take 100% ownership of MY choices to binge, purge, and not step back from competition's rigorous dieting before binging escalated to bulimia. You should know though, there are certain dietary practices that research shows encourage an eating disorder, and a repetitive dietary plan is one of them. The food plan I followed was VERY repetitive. For the sake of consistency and coach-ability (it's easier to know what to change/vary to gain results if you know exactly what hasn't been varying) my coach had me repeat a single day's worth of meals for 30 consecutive days; subject to change if needed - based on my progress photos. Such repetitiveness is a definite no-no for someone who has had issues with food; the repetition breeds boredom, which potentially breeds the risk of  "acting out" against it - aka: Binge. 

REAL TALK... * The following statement I mention as an honest disclaimer: Competing makes you at higher risk for taking extreme measures to reach "success," such as an eating disorder. * I must warn you (especially the ladies): Competing is not all glitz, glam, and victory! With competing there is also a heightened risk of developing a new problem, or worsening an existing problem, with body-image and/or an eating disorder. 

Getting extremely skinny to the point where my body was actually screaming for nutrients and variety of food was definitely the reason for my first binge. Serious physical need was the start of my eating disorder, and even after reaching a healthier weight - the disorder did not stop. It is true though, that although competing was absolutely the catalyst that drove me to rock bottom, but it wasn't the root problem - I needed to love ME and actually value who I am.

Many incredibly athletic men and women compete in bodybuilding shows like I did, but do so in a normal and health way - with healthy goals, a positive and realistic attitude towards winning or losing. I have witnessed (and partook in) some very extreme and unhealthy practices in the competition world, but these practices are not necessary to achieve and maintain a stage ready physique, and in the end they definitely hurt your placings (and so much more). I know these practices are unnecessary to win because women like Amanda Latona, Erin Stern, Jen Jewell, Nicole Moneer, Nicole Wilkins, Tanji Johnson, among others are placing very well in the WBFF and IFBB Professional Leagues and are not doing them.

Erin Stern is an amazing athlete, competitor, and
role model. She IS healthy and portrays a healthy
example for competitiors and non-competitiors alike.

Jen Jewell is another example of a woman who lives a healthful,
incredibly fit lifestyle and is also a competitor. Not all competitors
are unhealthy on the inside, as Erin and Jen show. There are
many many other women and men who fall into the "Healthy
Competitor" category too.

So, if we were to look at this whole ordeal in a positive light - consider this: I wouldn't have learned about and eventually (after 2 years of struggling with bulimia) changed a very flawed and very crutial character trait without competing and without an eating disorder budding it's ugly head. Before I ever set foot on a bodybuilding stage in clear hooker heels and a bedazzled bikini, I put far too much worth into other's opinion of me and far too little worth into my own happiness.

Someone very close to me during my struggle said this of my eating disorder:
"Bulimia was a poor stress response to a self-imposed and magnified feeling of required perfection."

That might seem "cold" but it is an just observation, and it is the cold hard truth. She was absolutely right. Yes, I had pressure to be perfect. No doubt. I had pressure to preform. No doubt. But the key here is how did I see myself?... And sadly, the answer is: not very well. I felt like I was required to be perfect. I self-imposed that requirement instead of just, "Doing my best" I lived and died by: Follow The Plan! I was under the extensive rules of:  DO NOT EAT OFF PLAN, DON'T USE CONDIMENTS, ALWAYS WEIGH YOUR FOOD, NO SUBSTITUTIONS, NO SNACKING, NO 'RECIPES,' NO ___, ONLY ___, but I didn't take these as "guidelines"... no, they were absolute necessity! I finally had gotten myself to a point where I absolutely could not be perfect anymore. I was incapable of perfection... Anyone would be. But to me it felt like a failure. I can't pinpoint where this feeling took root, but somewhere in my youth I developed this idea that I had to always be better; "good enough" was for losers and lazy people. I also thought I was getting pretty darn close to the point where if I was to continue to improve the only thing left to obtain was perfection. My appearance... the pursuit of the perfect physical appearance drove me stress and worry, fret and sweat, pinch and pull, binge and purge, cry and cry and cry and cry. My perception of what others expected of me, is the root of why I took such destructive and agonizing lengths to maintain the expected outcomes and successes. Can you see what I'm trying to say here? Clinical research shows that I am not alone in this; in fact, far too many very successful people are incredibly unhappy because they see their existence in terms of their accomplishements and what they can offer, instead of who the are and their intrinsic value in their character and love.  So as soon as they can no longer offer that perfection and excellence they are striving for, it's game over. Sadly, the most "perfect" people in appearance are quite often the least happy and whole people. So really, at the end of the story I am a much more healthy and whole person having combated this terrible problem and won.

Yeah buddy! I  persevered and eventually beat my
eating disorder back, re-learning how to be a happy
and healthy woman. If fact - healthier than ever.

Before I may have seemed like I had it all together, but let me shatter once and for all the "perfection image" I have attempted to uphold over the course of my life. Over the last two years  - on the outside you have seen perfect grades, a budding and successful engineering career, an on-fire Christian walk, and a straight-to-the-top athletic pursuit, a pretty face, and a fit body. But, I AM NOT PERFECT. Not even close! And that's OK! In fact, that's awesome! Why?

~ It gives God a chance to shine when I can't, be strong when I am weak, and be perfect when I am imperfect. Something I always said I believed in... but never let Him prove until now.

~ It gives my friends a chance to love me, to support me, to help me, and to be there for me. A chance I never dared to give them before now.

~ It gives my supporters and fans a real idea of success; a healthy way to stay fit; an honest example of moderation in eating clean and a sometimes eating a little dirty; training hard and taking rest days; and winning but sometimes losing.

I am just a girl, but I am strong. I am just a girl, but I have an amazing God, the best friends, and the most supportive fans a girl could ask for. I am just a girl, but I am everything I am suppored to be! Now that I have shattered that fake "perfection image" I used to have, let me tell you about the real me: My name is Ruthie Harrison; I love big salads and weight training; I am a smarty pants and a nerd; I make lots of mistakes but I always try my hardest; I love sprinting my heart out, helping others get started in fitness, making banana bread, sharing God's love with everyone, and lifting heavy.

I am victorious. I went from a "Before" through a "During," to an "After" and I am freaking proud of myself. I am more than a conqueror! 

_________________________________________________________

If you are out there, reading this with tear filled eyes because you know all too well the pain and loneliness of an eating disorder, I want you to know it can end. You will be healed. You can overcome this (check out this site: Overcoming Binge Eating). It is not a permanent state. Get help, either support from your family, your pastor, your best friend - whoever you feel comfortable with, but do not stay isolated! I know its scary. I know what you're going through, I have been there myself. Over 7 million Americans have binge eating disorders, but you do NOT have to remain one of them! I thought I'd never be back to normal again, but thank God I was wrong.

Don't give up!! Just think, after stopping binging your life will be so much more full of joy! remember how carelessly happy you were as a child? That can come back! Although I am still on my journey of freedom from emotional eating and using food as a comfort - but I have come so far! I am still learning everyday; and honestly for me it took hiring a professional counselor to learn some healthy and effective tactics to stop seeing myself in the negative way I was, and treating my body so poorly. Yes- I saw a psychologist. If you might need to too, there is no shame in that! There is nothing bad about having a personal trainer, a dietician, a pastor, a language instructor... And this is no different - you want to learn something: how to conquer bulimia in this case, and they know how. Try as I might I couldn't make myself think differently all on my own, My therapist is a Christian Psychologist who specializes in treating eating disorders, Dr Anthony Hwang. Over the past 5 months, I went through - and am currently finishing the last few, post-disorder sessions - of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The therapy is detailed and outlined in "Overcoming Binge Eating" a book by Christopher Fairburn, available on Amazon.com.

I spent a lot of time trying and failing, and trying and failing, and trying and failing less... And learning more, and overcoming and eventually - winning. I don't enter Bikini competitions anymore in pursuit of victory, I win every single day that I no longer fall victim to an eating disorder. It gets harder before it gets better; but by the power of God IT GETS BETTER. You are worth the time it will take to overcome this. You ARE worth it. You're worth more than gold. 



I am always here if you need someone to talk to, message me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/bikiniruthie or email me: bikiniruthie@gmail.com


Blessings,
Ruthie

My Testimony

I once was lost and now I'm found. This is my story of salvation - my testimony.

At some point in all our lives we will realize we are not enough on our own, For a long time (since before I can remember) I was aware of what the Creator of the universe did for me (die on a cross to sacrifice His life to pay the debt for my sins and the sins of the world, then come back to life to rule and love and lead His children) BUT I wasn't really allowing Him to do any of that... I ruled my own decisions, I refused to abide in His love (or anyone else's), and I lead myself. My worth was based on accomplishing the highest level of achievement in school, sports and anything, that if I put enough effort into, I could "win."

That was then - up until Sophomore year (2006) of college to be exact. I'd been Most Improved in every high school sport I did, I was senior class VP, I aced AP English, I was Salutatorian, I had so many scholarships to college I was getting paid to go, I had gotten nothing but A's in college, I was Dean's List ... I was pretty, I was in shape, I ate healthy, I was Daddy's Girl, teacher's pet, and ALWAYS top of the class. Oh, and yeah I was Christian too- on the side- God died for me, I knew that. He raise from the dead, I knew that. I was going to Heaven, I knew that. But that was a given- I was GOOD, and pretty darn PROUD of all "I had accomplished." God was an afterthought.

Then, well - little by little - I WASN'T enough. I got a B. I struggled in school. I worked 3 jobs and still struggled to pay rent. I wasn't happy, I cried, I couldn't sleep, I never saw my parents (no more daddy's girl), but somehow "I could figure this out." I never talked to God... Except to ask for something. He wasn't doing me any good! Why wouldn't He step in and bless me already!? I was a good girl, surely life was going to show me favor... I could always think, work, or talk my way out of any bad situation before. Why not now?

Desperate, I gave in to my friend's constant requests to attend a church group for college-aged youth called "Overflow" and started going weekly. I went for months, but in my personal life I still kept pressing on in my own power. Slowly but surely little seeds of God's character got implanted in my soul though, I learned He loved me when I was still a sinner, I learned that once I was saved I was a "new creation," I learned He had wanted to give me the Holy Spirit to fill me, I learned He would satisfy me, He cherished me, He could comfort me, and He could be my strength. I learned that He had promises for me that He wants me to have! (Below are just a few Biblical references and the paraphrased truths I learned about myself)

1 Corinthians 12:27
I am a member of Christ's body (Ephesians 5:30).

2 Peter 1:4
I have been given God's precious and magnificent promises by which I am a partaker of the divine nature.

Hebrews 4:16
I may come boldly before the throne of God to receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

1 Peter 2:5
I am one of God's living stones and am being built up as a spiritual house.

1 Peter 2:9,10
I am a part of a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people of God's own possession.

God, why do you do this? Why do you care? Why do you want me? Why can't I be who I want to be in my own power, I mean I try REALLY hard... [Because I want you to want Me, you need to need Me, I'd love for you to love Me... I love you and always have. I AM in control not you, Ruthie. Surrendering to My lead is not just a nice idea, it is THE (only) WAY you can get through this. Depend on My power, it is so so so much larger than yours- in fact, it has NO limit] These thoughts filled my heart and mind; now I knew something I couldn't unlearn: until I surrendered my life to Christ, I mean really gave up the fight- I would be living a much lesser and empty life than the perfect plan and beautiful life God designed me for. It was a heart thing. He wanted my heart, and He wanted me to voluntarily seek His will.

One teary night at Overflow, I finally surrendered. I gave in. I let Him love me. I let Him carry my burdens. I let Him fight my fights, and lead my path. I got baptized as an outward declaration of an inward decision to dedicate my life to Jesus - because He'd already given His to save mine. I didn't own me, He did; and whatever He wanted me to do, I'd do.

"We were buried therefore with Him by the baptism into death, so that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious [power] of the Father, so we too might [habitually] live and behave in newness of life. Let not sin therefore rule as king in your mortal (short-lived, perishable) bodies, to make you yield to its cravings and be subject to its lusts and evil passions. Do not continue offering or yielding your bodily members [and faculties] to sin as instruments (tools) of wickedness. But offer and yield yourselves to God as though you have been raised from the death to [perpetual] life, and your bodily members [and faculties] to God, presenting them as implements of righteousness. For sin shall not [any longer] exert dominion over you, since now you are not under Law [as slaves], but under grace [as subjects of God’s favor and mercy]. For the wages which sin pays is death, but the [bountiful] free gift of God is eternal life through (in union with) Jesus Christ our Lord." (Romans 6:4, 12-14, 23 AMP)

So, did I become an overnight perfect person? Did I become sinless and righteous? No. I am still a sinner, and thank God that He covered my sins because as much as I yearn to do God's holy and righteous will- I still cannot! Not all the time anyways. You may ask then, what's the difference between my "before" and my "after"? Well... I KNOW God is my strength, I KNOW He loves me for for who I am- not what I do or accomplish, and I KNOW that even though I fail time and time again, and sin time and time again... He is my joy, my true treasure, and my hope. Forever! He's not going anywhere! He WANTS all my insecurities, failures, sins, and unworthiness - and I will keep bringing it to Him.

You know, I didn't write this testimony for a long time because I was waiting until my life looked more pretty - until people could look at it and say, "Wow, look what God has done! Look at all she's done through His power, look at how she's stopped doing _X_ sin and _Y_ sin, look at how she's cleaned up all that mess and God fixed her." Well guys, truth be told life will NEVER be sin, mess, or problem free. I will ALWAYS need Him! In fact, I rejoice in my failings because each time I am weak I realize yet again I need Him. He gets the glory. He forgives me, loves me, and saves me. Yes - through His spirit filling my life it has changed my heart to stop doing sins I used to do; but even now, through my sinful nature I do other new sins! Gack! No, I am not perfect - He is. I get that now. I abide in His grave and love, it never fails... It never even gets a B ;)

If you are lost like I was: life is something that you just can't win and you have some sin you just can't beat, let me encourage you: God has ALREADY WON for you! Your life has been won by your Savior and Creator, and you don't have to do this alone. Have you ever given your life to Christ? Do you believe in Jesus, like John 3:16 describes? If not, now is the perfect time to cry out to God and surrendering you life and all it's "mess" to Him. Believe that His death fully covers ALL your sin, and ACCEPT His free gift of eternal life. Ask Jesus to come into your hearth and make it new, make it like His.

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship."
Romans 12:1

When I did give myself to God, I gave Him everything I am; everything I hope to be; all my dreams, visions, hopes and desires... I made everything His, and even as I continue to screw up, He demonstrates His power through my life! Only then - in full submission to Christ - can your test become your test-imony, and your mess become your mess-age. You don't get perfect when you serve Jesus; but you get grace, mercy and forgiveness when you aren't.

"Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you your heart’s desires." (In that order!) - Psalm 37:4 

God's will - God's plan- is supreme. I will rest in God's will. God will not allow something to come into my life that I cannot bear. It may seem like He is far away, but He has promised that He will never leave me. I know the Lord. He loves me. I will walk by faith in that truth. He hears my prayers because of my love for Him. This may be the greatest testimony I could have: clinging ever closer to His will for me through any terrible experience in my life. I was created for this one purpose, to love Him and be loved by Him.

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy." - 1 Peter 1:6-8


That's my story, I hope it gives you a good example of the hope and faith that is found in Jesus.

Blessings,
Ruthie

No Sex, No Glory

Today I writing to you guys from a very vulnerable position. I've matured enough in my Christian faith to realize I was doing some things wrong when it came I portraying myself in a Godly way; and I've also realized that lots of other people are stuck getting it wrong too... No, I am not trying to save the world here, I just want to discuss and hear your feedback and opinions on a hot topic- sexuality in our modern culture.

Like I said, I don't have all the answers but one thing I do know is that in our modern world, casual sexuality just that- casual. On popularized and heavily promoted "reality" TV dating shows, ie: Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor, and The Bachelorette, sex before marriage is treated as a "test drive" to find your soul mate. With such influences, its understandable how one can get desensitized to protecting and cherishing one's sexuality.
Reference: A History of Ridiculous Reality Dating Shows

The inner turmoil I experienced along these lines of "sexuality" was when I tried to find a balance between modesty and freedom of dress/clothing style.

Case and point: Lolo Jones is an Olympic-level hurdler, safe to say she is a "good" athlete, and preforms at the "elite" level right? Right. Okay, so she got 4th (in the entire world) at the Olympics in the 100m hurdles. Its heartbreaking and disappointing to come soooo close to an Olympic medal and gall short, but still - She is a great athlete and is completely worthy of admiration and respect. Yet, instead of discussing het race, the Twitter-verse blew up ridiculing her for staying a virgin and honoring her commitment to save sex for marriage. Read the story here: Critics Blame Lolo Jones Virginity On Her Poor Olympic Performance.

More articles >
- Blog: Lolo Jones
- Lolo Jones: The Most Eligible Bachelorette of The Olympics

I see it all the time in modern culture, and even (or especially?) in the fitness world. Athletes and fitness models are treated as sex symbols not ATHLETES and FITNESS models. For women, it seems if she isn't seen as "sexy" then it's: NO SEX, NO GLORY.

A female athlete or fitness model's success and popularity (glory), is highly enhanced if men think she's "sexy" (Ex: Jamie Eason, Lolo Jones, Hope Solo, Jennifer Nicole Lee, Nathalia Melo), which is what drives (I'm guessing) most fitness models to be sexy-fitness models.  

JNL

Jamie Eason

 Now, I could argue it's as much the person in the photo's responsibility to keep unclean thoughts from happening as it is the person looking at the photo. I mean, who's really having the sexual thoughts? The observer. BUT there's some responsibility to prevent yourself from encouraging those thoughts, right? BUT there are people who see a woman preforming a sport (Hope Solo, Lolo Jones) and get all sexual about it by default. How can you prevent that!? Not play soccer? Not hurdling? ... Not fitness modeling?... How about not be a pervert!? I can see both sides of the story. Ok, posing nude (see below) is not helping your sex symbol vs. athlete profile, Lolo ....

But let's be honest, I MYSELF have done some less than "athletic" photo shoots. YES, at times I have been blinded by what is definitely a strong pull to do sexual photo shoots. I am only human, and thank God we have Him, because the heart of man (woman) is desperately wicked!

Some fitness modeling's photos aren't as obviously sexy or athletic. Often they ride a thin line... for example, certain photos of Jamie Eason are what inspired me to get ripped and build muscle, but those same photos can encourage lust just as easily. In one light it can inspire and motivate women to get fit and be confident and happy with their bodies... but on the other hand, all some guys see when they look at the photo is SEX SEX SEX.

What did you think when you looked at my photo? (Now ask 50 men and 50 women the same question and imagine the varied answers!) Now I'm not singling out men... I admit I have looked at male fitness model photos and thought the words "He's sexy" instead of "What great definition in his pecs, I wonder if he trained with drop sets," but for my purposes in this post I am focusing on the sexuality placed on female athletes.


This post is as much a riducule of the immoral, secular, sex-driven modern culture as it is a personal confession of my conforming to it. I am a FITNESS model and I compete and model to be ATHLETIC and FIT not sexy, desireable, and an object of lust for men; yet, this is what you get when you google "fitness model:"

Now-a-days, sex is everywhere. Especially wherever the focus is on the human body - like sports and fitness modeling. Even if the focus on the human body is suposed to be focused on training it, building muscle, developing athletic ability, and growing stronger.... sex creeps in.

Every competition, photo shoot, post, and fitness expo I have done in the past I have learned from- I learned when I was wrong, when I was right, and how to stand my ground when it comes to Christian morals. Last spring I began to chase what I feel is my "calling" and my deep driving desire to help others by being an inspiring voice and good role model in the fitness industry.


My desire is to inspire people of all types & backgrounds to live a healthy life. If I can motivate just one person to choose to resist the world, choose to love their God, and choose to honor Him by taking care of the beautiful creation that He crafted for us - our bodies- then I have fullfilled my calling in this life!

I train in Jesus' name, I train to mold myself into the best version of me; to be all God intended me to be: in health, in heart, in spirit, and most importantly... IN HIM.

I am so so far from the perfect creation God sees I can be. Many times- and many more times- I will sin, act immaturely, not care for others, be self absorbed, forget to pray, harbor unforgiveness, serve the world's desires, and lose sight of the never-ending joy available to me through my greatest gift: salvation. But what I will ALWAYS do is strive to not make the same mistake twice, and to always grow more and more like Chrirst until my heart is like His. I pray that I will ALWAYS repent and come running to the cross. And for anyone reading this, I pray that when this life (as inperfect, secular, sinful, or immoral as it may be) is over, I'll see YOU in HEAVEN because you too believed upon Jesus (John 3:16) and were given the free gift of eternal life.

Here's to Living 4 Eternal Bliss.

Foster your health to honor God and live a
happy, healthy life; NOT to satisfy the
world's unyeilding pull to "get sexy."

No sex, no glory? That's fine. Glory be to God; not me.

Blessings,
 ~ Ruthie

Art Imitating Life, or Life Imitating Art?

Oscar Wilde once said in his 1889 essay The Decay of Lying that "Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life."

In the essay, Wilde holds that such anti-mimesis "results not merely from Life's imitative instinct, but from the fact that the self-conscious aim of Life is to find expression, and that Art offers it certain beautiful forms through which it may release that energy."

Isn't that a gracefully-accurate description of the life-long desire of us all? To find something in life that conveys one's "self" and expresses your individual talents, personality, and tastes.
At some point, we have all found ourselves wanting "more" out of life from time to time... Sadly, for some this quest is left unfulfilled; even as death stops the search for good.

For others, however, the search ends joyously - in either the practice of art as one's lifework and job; or the consention to practice art as more or less a hobby, but one that adds expression to life none-the-less. I must note that, as Christians, we are "not of this world" (John 15:19--If ye were of the world, the world would love his own; but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.) ... So there will always be a certain deep yearning desire for something we cannot find in this world; whether we look at the beauty in the world itself or we can form art from within ourselves (expression). 

God's art = nature ... 

... Flowers...

.... the scenes of fall....

.... clouds.... 

... snowflakes.... AND.... 

... in US... the human form. 

God created beautiful art when He made the world and
when He made humans to live in the world. 

Despite an ever-present God-filled void, God DID put us on this earth in the first place, and He wants us to have life, "and life more abundant."  We can most assuredly express ourselves and find joy in releasing the energy within ourselves. 

HOW? Well, to each his own.
For me: I find a great artistic quality to the human body itself. Much as I see nature's beauty as the masterpiece at the tip of God's paint brush- so I consider the human body when it is in its peak condition. This is what drives me to train, to persistently perform at my highest level, to improve on a daily basis, to cut away all which holds me back, and to pursue that which drives me continually upward in mind, body, and spirit. It is impossible to train the body without conquering the mind and nourishing the spirit.

Physical training is taking care of your
God given personal masterpiece 

Joy comes from treating God's creation
(yourself and others) with great care and love

I tap my joy and satisfaction from knowing I am doing my best to care for my own God-given vessel, and inspiring others to do the same by sharing my growth, victories, and failures. That's my life as art. In my experience, if life is lived to the fullest- Life IS Art and Art IS Life. I say this because of the uniqueness of each human life. I believe that no life is an imitation of another, but instead: each is completely original, unique, and organically all its own.

Does your life imitate "art?" To answer this, first I must ask- what is artistic to you? What organic beauty do you find yourself striving to be like/ be with/ see/ do ....
After you've identified what you consider to be art, answer me this: 
Is it true that "Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life." ???
Or, as I suggest- Life IS Art and Art IS Life.

I know this is kind of a different topic than usual, but as I was searching for the "next step" in my life I fell into the question of, "What do I want to do with this life?" In the end it came down to: I want to love like God loved me; I want to share that love, and live in that love. I discovered that any accomplishments that I can write up beside my name mean NOTHING if I don't have love... so why not let my life be my song (a form of art) to sing praises to my King, and to bring joy to my spirit? I want nothing more.

Blessings,
~ Ruthie

Be Strong & Courageous

FACT: I have experienced some world-shaking, mind-blowing revelations about my faith in the Lord lately, and to be quite honest - I am so FULL of joy and new-found confidence in his POWER, LOVE, VICTORY, and complete SERIOUSNESS about desiring me to follow Him that I simply cannot keep silent! I must share with you His awesomeness :) 

I will set the stage by saying I believe the following two images completely define the truth of having SUCCESS in your future and your journey to accomplish great things. Notably, neither of these quotes come from the Bible - but the principles DO (as proven below). I want you to see though that the TRUTH IS THE TRUTH - If you don't have faith & confidence in yourself and what you wish to accomplish, you might as well STOP TRYING. Strong words I know, but I am saying this not to discourage you but to inspire you to...

Be Strong & Courageous. 

Sounds simple - "Be strong and courageous, get the life of your dreams." Easy right? Well, this strength and courage I speak of DO NOT come from YOU... They come from the LORD, and to get them, you must realize your complete inadequacy and weakness, and rely wholly on Him. My journey to the "joy and new-found confidence in his POWER, LOVE, VICTORY, and complete SERIOUSNESS about desiring me to follow Him" that I mentioned earlier started in a very dark, broken, and completely weak place. I was so done. I lost. I couldn't do it. I didn't even wanna do it. I would never win. I was stuck losing.  The truth is, I want self-destructing; and the harder I tried to stop, the better I got at doing it.... 

Competitive, driven people are often the ones to be hardest on themselves and do things that hurt themselves. I realized that it is because self-destructing never fails; you always can do it. But the thing is, even when you win at it, you always lose. 

Okay, so now for the good stuff: what does the Bible say about this? 

"When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away,
and I groaned all day long. Day and night Your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Finally, I confessed all my sins to You and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.”
And You forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time, that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment. For you are my hiding place;
You protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory.
The LORD says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you. Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.” (Psalm 32:3-9 NLT)

I had been fighting and fighting and fighting, using my strength (thing is, I don't have any of my own, remember). I was exhausted. I fell on my face in front of the Lord, prayed with a Christian sister, and cried till my eyes were sore. I told my God, "Help me. I can't do it." And just like the Psalm says, HE DID! But what's with that horse and mule part?

It means you must actively pursue God's influence in your life, and choose to follow His laws and commandments (not requiring a bit and bridle - aka: constant guiding, coaching, and leading by someone else) to stick to His plan. You must believe and have faith in the Lord, that HIS WAY IS THE BEST WAY. 

I, you, we ALL need God's strength. It is the "joy and new-found confidence in his POWER, LOVE, VICTORY, and complete SERIOUSNESS about desiring me to follow Him" that I keep talking about. Joyce Meyer said it like this: 

"The joy of the Lord really is your strength and the devil knows that if he can rob you of your strength, that he will turn you into a weak, whining and ineffective Christian.

Did you know that the devil is not after your health? Did you realize that Satan could care less about your marriage or your finances? And your children don't mean a thing to the devil! What the devil is after is your joy and the way that he tries to steal your joy is by going after your health, your marriage, your finances and your children.

The devil knows that he cannot deny you of your salvation or of the forgiveness that Jesus has given to you. So, what he tries to steal is the most valuable commodity that he is able to get his greedy little hands on. Satan is relentless and he will do everything that he can to lie to you and eventually deceive you out of your joy.

Today, let me challenge you to stand toe to toe ... nose to nose with the accuser of the brethren and declare in his ugly little face, "Satan ... you can not!! You will not!! You will never be able to take my joy from me!"

When you choose to defy the enemy with the joy that Jesus died to give you, you will become a powerful force in the world today. God can use joyful Christians who are bold enough to hang onto their joy no matter what is going on in their circumstances." 

Jesus told us before He returned to Heaven to be with the Father:

 "The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them (you!!) a rich and satisfying life." (John 10:10 NLT)

As a Christian in the world, I take on many roles: a student, an athlete, a daughter, a sister, an employee, and a friend. I am OBLIGATED to be the best I can be so I can show that God really CAN and DOES change lives, save people, and fill them with His joy and strength! If I sit around in my sin, wallowing in my old ways, only to every once in a while have a revival moment and be happy, and then fall back into doubt, destruction, and darkness, how will I ever help anyone!? I couldn't. Thing is... helping people is the single most important thing to me in this world. I won't live in defeat!! 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." (Hebrews 12:1 NLT)

We all know I am a big health and fitness girl, so here's what one of the greats of the fitness world - Arnold Schwarzenegger said about success: 





Oh, and here's a photo of Arnold:

Hmmm, think his faith had anything to do with his success? 

... Starting to see the connection ;) ?

-------------------------------------

That's all for now folks! Until next time, 

Blessings, 
~ Ruthie