When is FIT NOT HEALTHY?

If I asked you: "Do you want to be healthy?" you probably make up your mind without skipping a beat and answer,  "Yes." Not healthy is no fun; just remember the last time you were home with a stomach flu. Sick = Sucky. 

If I asked you: "Do you want to be in great shape? To look fit?" I would hazard to guess the answer would again be, without hardly thinking, "Yes." Granted, some people do not want to be in great shape more than they want to party, to eat as much as they want of what they want, to drink $5 lattes, or to avoid all physical exertion... but they DO want to be in shape too. 

If I asked you: "Which is more important: to be healthy, or to be in great shape?" you might have to think a bit longer ... Wait, aren't those basically the same thing? Mutually inclusive at least? Related? Isn't a fit, attractive, slim, toned body merely the physical manifestation and effect of a healthy lifestyle? And if so, doesn't being in great shape necessitate and therefore include being healthy? It seems so silly to question whether one would rather prefer health or to be in great shape. Doesn't fitness cause health, and doesn't health encourage fitness? Like so: 

HEALTH <--> FITNESS

NO. You are right to think that fitness follows, and is encouraged by, being healthy... but the question: "Which is more important - to be healthy, or to be in great shape?" isn't silly, and it is not a stupid question! In fact, it is no laughing matter the lengths I have seen many people go to, myself most definitely included, to GAIN the physical appearance of a fit body at the COST of health. It is entirely possible, and by definition extremely unhealthy, to achieve the look of a fit body without possessing what should be the root cause of fitness: your health. 

Your health is really a sum of three parts: 

(1) A healthy mind 

(2) A healthy body

(3) A healthy spirit 

Without ANY of the three parts, the sum is incomplete and you are, by definition, unhealthy. The lack of wellness, 'sickness,' in one of the three creates an unhealthy condition in the whole person!

Sadly - there is a dark and vile lie that has infected the minds of many on their quest for health - but has NOTHING TO DO WITH HEALTH! In women especially, the lie reads like this: 

LIE:

"My physical appearance can, should, 

& must be improved...at any cost."

This is where the kind of should-be-used-for-good mantras:

"no pain no gain," 

"if it hurts, it's working," 

"suck it up cupcake," 

"suffer now, reap the results later" 

... all snowball into a self-centered, self-condemning, self-destructing prophesy of extreme measures so you can just look in shape! No health required. 

Ladies and gentlemen: this is where Health is NOT = Fitness. This is trecherous territory. This pounding, throbbing, insatiable desire to be attractive and look "in shape" has lead men and women astray in a multitude of horrendous, and sometimes even subtle, ways. It has lead women to the tip of a knife for a nip and a tuck; to the makeup counter for more coverage and less freckles, 10X fuller lashes, and 5X fuller lips; to the gym for 3 hours of cardio and hundreds of crunches to lose a muffin top; to the latest overpriced, fad diet with only juice and powdered food to subside on in return for a new, slim physique - fast.... only to spend longer than we'd like to admit pinching and checking our bodies in the mirror for any signs of reduced body fat, freshly sprouted six-pack abs, smaller pores, or fuller brows... we search and search for even any sign of improvement; always coming up short of where we "should be." 

Where has the lie lead you? You can probably think of many ways that you have personally believed the lie that: "you need a more perfect body.... at any cost." Whether it was stuffing your bra with socks in high school, hiding your freckles under thick makeup for pictures, or maybe not eating all day because you want to lose that last 5 pounds. This deep, pounding, throbbing, insatiable desire to be attractive and look "in shape" lead me to Bulimia Nervosa. I believed the lie too. I fell, like so many other miserably trapped men and women that I shutter to imagine their pain, into an eating disorder; an eating disorder, that took YEARS to escape. I put perfecting my physical appearance on a pedestal of such epic proportions that I could not see around it. I forgot all about the true meaning of "Health" and its three parts: mind, body, and spirit. All I could see was BODY. 

BODY

BODY

BODY

BODY

Bulimia Nervosa is only one of many terrible eating disorders, such as: anorexia, bingeing, and laxative abuse, that weasel their lying and deceitful claws into a person's mind and convince the person that: 

LIE: 

" This __ (eating disorder) __ will help you get skinny/look fit/be attractive ... and if it doesn't help - it will at least relieve the stress and pressure of the struggle to get skinny/look fit/be attractive." 

Eating disorders take root for a multitude of different reasons, one of which I know personally is the deep insecure desire to improve, and somehow continue to improve and maintain a "perfect" physique... at any cost. I was trying to fix my body. I was desperately trying to achieve what in my mind I envisioned as the "PRO BIKINI" look. It didn't help that I was also trying to meet my maximum potential to excel in the sport; to make my coach proud; to inspire my friends, family - and even strangers - to work hard and get fit; to prove my haters wrong; and to prove to myself that I was a success. Looking back, I started competing in Bikini competitions for the athletic challenge of it all, and for the sisterhood with strong incredible women. And I stayed for those same reasons, and the platform I saw open up to share health and fitness with others and improve their lives by being a motivator, an inspiration, and an educator. I wanted to be like my idol and my hero: Jamie Eason, a fitness spokes-model with a heart of gold and a wealth of knowledge. The way I saw it, I HAD to succeed!! Anything less than reaching a perfectly fit physique would be a grave failure to not only reach my potential but to inspire others. NOT an option. 

Hold on,  wait... do you see the disconnect here? I wanted other people to get fit too, and I absolutely still do, but there's just one blatantly obvious problem with the way I was going about it...

PROBLEM:

If healthier is happier, WHY are so many women (like me) making themselves MISERABLE in the name of health and fitness!?

I don't have all the answers, but through conquering my own demons and realizing my own motives for being UNHEALTHY to achieve the perception of health I have discovered the "why's" behind my SICKNESS, and that is what ultimately led me to finding my HEALTH. I sincerely hope  that by identifying these unhealthy thought patterns I can save someone - maybe you - from repeating my wretched mistakes and developing an eating disorder. That is why I write these things, that is why I investigate and explore these dark problems - to prevent them from being repeated. 

What I learned from my own experience is this: 

The dark and treacherous lie of, "My physical appearance can, should, and must be improved ... at any cost." or in other words, "Get attractive at any cost." sneaks in because it starts with acknowledging that there is some beginnings of beauty, attractiveness, a body to be admired - or at the very least there is some potential! Potential, that if left untapped would be FAILURE.  See? It started out positive. It started with: 

"You are special, Ruthie."

"You can help so many people - keep it up, keep pushing."

"You could have a great Pro career."

"You could be great." 

Wow, no pressure! The pressure literally (excuse the pun) ate me alive. Read all about that in my other post: Victory Without Competition.  I was on a fast-track to success, and a fast-track to failure at the same exact time! I crashed and burned. But now, it is like night and day - I see my past as a stark contrast to my future, and the challenge to "improve," "be better," "be great," "help so many people," and "inspire others" are no longer reasons to PANIC and eat everything in sight only to purge it back out in a matter of minutes; no - I see this challenge is an amazing opportunity, and it actually brings me great peace and joy to think of my potential! 

You are probably wondering, so I'll ask for you.... 

THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION: 

WHAT CHANGED? WHAT DID I LEARN?

ANSWER: 

I DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT TO DO ANY  OF THE AMAZING THINGS I HAVE THE POTENTIAL FOR. IF FACT, MY IMPERFECTION IS WHAT MAKES THE GREATNESS OF MY IMPACT.

Read that to yourself, release yourself from a quest for perfection (at any cost) and allow the possibility of increased efficacy due to your imperfection become your new vision. It's so simple I almost missed it. I missed it for a long time, in fact! So simple, yet SO POWERFUL. My imperfect holds strength??? It increases my potential to help others and make a difference in their lives for the better??? Yes, and yes. So, since I learned it the hard way, promise me you'll learn from my experience! 

Lesson: in your imperfection lies your beauty, your greatness, and your unique, priceless qualities. Love yourself and all those imperfections. Keep your mind from hating your body, from squelching your spirit, and destroying your health. The way we see our bodies begins and ends in the mind; therefore, to be "in good shape" does in fact necessitate health (mind, body, spirit) so make it your #1 priority to obtain Optimal Health in MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT. 

SO - after learning all that - I will continue to work hard, eat clean, be a voice for health and fitness, and keep working towards my own Optimal Health. I am stronger now that ever.  After going through all those years of self-hatred and perfection-seeking, I think I can survive a couple intense workouts to improve my fitness!! Going through a great struggle makes enduring smaller struggles absolutely conquerable.

I am not a victim and I am not broken; and I am most DEFINITELY NOT done working hard, staying focused and one day realizing my dream job of being a fitness motivator, writer, and model. I can make my dreams into reality despite what I have done wrong in the past, and so can you ;)  

Blessings,

Ruthie xoxo 

Follow-Up: Victory Without Competition Part II

After my last blog post about suffering through an eating disorder after starting to compete in bikini competitions, someone asked me: "Is possible to compete without being unhealthy and doing all this?"... oh my gosh, YES! 

If you had this thought ^ please read my blog again. I talk about some women who I consider to be great example of how to be a healthy, balanced competitor without developing an eating disorder, or a disorder of any kind for that matter. 
Linked here: My Testimony of Overcoming Bulimia: "Victory Without Competition" 

The truth is, MANY men and women do compete in a healthy way. An eating disorder is NOT the only outcome from competing, but on the same note... sadly for many - it is the outcome. Many factors play into the difference between a healthy and a non-healthy competitor: the workouts (excessive?), the diet (strict? repetitive? unrealistic? too specific?), the person's goals (unrealistic? unhealthy?), the person's disposition (perfectionist?), support system (is there any?), pressure from others (or from self), self-esteem (is it low?), background (problem with food before?) ...etc. Just like not every soldier gets post-traumatic stress disorder after war or every college student gains the freshman 15; not every competitor binges, purges, and/or has bulimia after undergoing a contest prep. I mean no disrespect by the soldier analogy... soldiers undergo a much more valiant pursuit that a bikini show. In either area of "war" though, either against an eating disorder or against depression after war, there is a massive amount of mental trauma. A soldier battles a physical enemy on a battlefield, and later the demons and mental issues in the battlefield of the mind. For me, the physical enemy was myself. Both of us experienced very real traumas. The way someone handles stress and deals with the emotional trauma of pressure, physical difficulty, anger, depression, sadness, etc is unique to the individual and that - combined with a multitude of other factors - produces either a good or bad stress reaction. Mine was obviously very bad. 

Also, I want to just draw attention to the idea that I take full personal responsibility for my choices that led me to where I was; meaning I don't blame the sport, my coach, my teammates, my family...anyone. I personally was the one who made the choice to continue to compete and try to get "more perfect" even after I started seeing problems with food arise.  I do NOT blame ANYONE else for the outcome! I did what I did; and I learned what I'm not sure I would have ever learned about myself otherwise. I really wish I could have gotten stronger through something less torturous... but when I really think about it I am glad for my troubles. I have had amazing opportunities to speak hope into ladies lives who are in the darkest depths of where I was... and encourage them that there is a way out - and show them that way out: counseling, Cognitive Behavioral therapy, adjustments to body image/goals. Through this struggle I inadvertently also taught myself the VERY important lesson that YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF and NOT see "success" and "perfection" as superior aspirations to JOY and HEALTH. I share my story not to bash anyone or any sport, but to share what I have learned (the hard way) so that it will Lord-willing help someone out there who needed to hear something like this. God will use my story for someone's healing, He already has! I had to first endure it, and then be vulnerable and brave enough to write an honest account of my experience. I hope no one goes through what I did, but if you are going through it now - know that it is TEMPORARY and you CAN escape.

After writing my blog post, some very courageous and strong ladies shared their amazing stories with me and I wanted to pass along their encouraging stories of victory here. They overcame not only eating disorders; but poor body image, negative self talk, pressure from themselves and society, and the perfection rat-race. An eating disorder is not just a behavior you start or stop - there is a ROOT cause. THAT is what must be healed and/or removed to repair the eating habits.

Other blogs:

• Former teammate of mine, IFBB Bikini Pro Shelsea Montes' story 
• FitGalChal's story
• My friend, and former teammate, Electra's story @ VanillaBeanLean 
• Angie Gooding's story

An amazingly powerful quote from Fit Gal Chal:

" I know how it feels to hate your self, and I also know how it feels to love yourself. I can promise you that loving yourself has so many more benefits. "

Fit Gal Chal also said this, which I can completely agree with in my own story: 

"There is NO one person, or one thing to blame for the onset of my struggles. The possible genes I was born with, my long history in the dance world with the “thin ideal” being my goal, my own insecurities, not handling stress in healthy ways, my need for perfection, and plenty more things all played equal roles as the triggers and onset of my unhealthy, addictive behaviors." 

 

Bex, of BexLife.com said this: "Body hate knows no size. You could be a 6 foot tall 100 lb model and hate your body.” Which is sadly so so true. I was a 5'10" 130lb bikini athlete and hated my body- it needed so many improvements (in my former, super critical perfectionist opinion). 

Electra said this in her post, "What's Beautiful" on Vanilla Bean Lean (linked above) blog, which is such an empowering and beautiful statement:

"I will continue to walk the walk myself & inspire others that a lean lifestyle is NOT about deprivation but about fueling each day and each intense, sweaty workout session with proper fuel. I will continue to transform my body and remind myself I am beautiful, daily! I will fuel, not deprive. I will be excellent, not perfect."

Amen, Electra!! Below is the YouTube video I published a to thank ya'll of the incredible support I've received since I wrote my testimony/confession of struggling with an eating disorder. 

In the video I also mention some steps I am taking to regain my health after totally trashing it with competing, overtraining, overSTRESSING, bulimia, not sleeping, etc. I have my work cut out for me but I am being kind to my body now and progress will be slow but stead to recover my full health. I have been researching Adrenal Fatigue over at my  Ruthie Harrison Athlete Page on Facebook. Post-bulimia, I've learned things I WISH I KNEW when I competed!! EVERYONE who trains and is looking to improve their fitness (not just competitors) should go read what I've learned about excessive cardio & chiropractic work ... those two things alone will make a HUGE effect on how healthy you are. 

I can't say thank you enough for accepting me, even with a big terrible battle, with open arms! I love ya'll! 

Blessings,

Ruthie 

Food Fight: Gaining Ultimate Victory

I wish I had a lighter subject on the menu, but my noggin' is full of thinking about a pretty serious subject... so I gotta write!!

Okay I kid.... now to get serious...

 I recently got a message from a beautiful, inspiring, and completely dedicated athlete who's in training for the fitness competitions like I do. Her message was a cry for help, as she was having trouble with following the strict diet plan for her training and from reading my blog (read "Food Fight" post to see where I started) so she knew I'd been there too.

She asked me:

 If you've had an eating prblem, how do you keep your mind from going back to that unhealthy place?"

It was so painful to hear that someone else had gone through (and was going though) the issues I'd struggled with and she couldn't seem to break free. To be honest, I had to take a deep breath after reading just the first sentence. My thoughts were: "Oh no... God, please no." I could have written the rest of the message myself, I knew all too well the problem and the exact feelings she described: the desperation, the decision and reasoning to just eat a little of ___ or one __ then... the raced, blind and numb binging (half the time I didn't even enjoy the taste, I was just putting things in my mouth!), the sick feeling (I'd literally eat till it hurt), the guilt and the defeated feeling the next morning as you recall your sabotage session trying to reason out a plan to fix it. "Just start over today and forget about it" I'd tell myself. But you can't really... your confidence is shattered and although I still looked fine (thanks to my dedication in the gym and racing metabolism), my mind was the farthest thing from "fit". Of course, I never thought I looked great at the time... but I looked back at my progress pictures and I realize that I did.

Much of our "health"is actually dependent on
our thoughts and what's going on inside our heads

It may be hard to believe after reading that, but I never thought of myself as someone who had an eating disorder. The reality is I did have one. This interesting article on Bodybuilding.com supports the opposite viewpoint to what I found to be true; that entering fitness competitions will help you conquer an eating disorder. I do however agree that:

"Although eating disorders seem completely food and body image related, they are actually complex mental disorders resulting from a combination of behavioral, emotional, psychological, interpersonal, and social factors." 

Those factors depend on the person, but as the article continues: 

"Scientists believe that eating disorders develop when people use food as a way to express their emotions and gain some control over their life (at least they can control what they put in their mouth and their body to an extent)."

Yup right again... My disorder was binge eating.

photo courtesy of catay.com

I know far too well the place that your mind goes when you binge: rushing to stuff as much buttered frosting and PB into your mouth (yes I did that once) is so hard to escape once you open that door. After the first bite forget having a "mini-cheat," it's all out. I'm not going to tell you what my coach Shannon would say, "Take the emotion out of food" because although I COMPLETELY agree that would be 100% effective, the reason we're binging is because we CAN'T take the emotion out of it sometimes!! Hear me on this: even the people you think are perfect have bad days. They may seem damn fabulous, but they're NOT perfect either! Understanding that perfection is not "what everyone else is doing" is part of the battle of the mind. Step 2 is reaching out for help... That is so HUGE to overcoming this.

****WARNING: Prepare to read a lot :) *****

So here's my advice that I gave her and I'd give anyone in a similar situation.
Women in all walks of life can fall into this trap of binging after a particularly stressful moment/day, or if they let themselves get too hungry and feel famished. I hope what I have learned through my struggle can help others out there overcome an eating disorder too! As an update on my progress: I am continuing the lesson plans accompanying Lysa TerKeurst's book, "Made to Crave." I still have work to do to truly win this battle once and for all, but I am making the switch from seeing my healthy eating plan as "deprivation" to feeling of "empowerment" by making healthy choices and defeating cravings. I still have bad days (remember, not perfect!!) but it gets easier every day.



Even my fitness inspiration, Jamie Eason eats a
donut every once in a (great) while.

> My Advice to Conquer a Eating Disorder<

#1: EAT. Although it seems counter-intuitive, it's completely necessary to eat ALL  your meals the days after a binge to prevent having another. Do you feel satisfied and fueled on the days you do follow your plan? I started binging when my plan was super restrictive and I actually was eating too few calories during the day. By sure your eating plan is healthy before you attempt to stick to it. If you're starving then of course your body will be screaming for more food and causing yo to binge. A Nutritionist can help analyze your current eating plan and get you on track with a healthy plan.



The cookie monster diet is all fun and games in a
 kid's show on TV, but it's no laughing matter in real life.

#2: SLEEP at least 8 hours. If this means going to bed at 9pm DO IT. You're investing in your future, your goals and your HAPPINESS. You're not being lazy. Your body needs this time to set your hormones and keep your ghrelin and leptin at normal levels. I'd take a 1hr nap at lunch or as soon as I got home. This is MORE important than working out on a day that you're really stressed. The days I "pushed through" I'd do my workout fine, but then when I got home I'd eat and because my hormones were way outa whack I would binge.

If you're DEAD tired after the gym, then the key to
 reaching your health potential may be a
 need to log more hours in BED not the GYM.

#3: READ, research, and inform yourself. Remind yourself of all the negative effects of trans fats, HFCS, additives, sugars, out of whack hormones, sleep deprivation, stress, binging, and ect. Google the crap out of it. Start here: All About Ghrelin. Getting informed is a scare tactic, but it's effective! Did you know you if you overeat when you should be sleeping research shows "an average 48 percent increase in body weight. But on a regular schedule, there's an average increase of 20 percent of body weight." Yikes!! Also remind youself of the benefits of the things on a healthy eating plan; such as: flax, asparagus, smalll meals throughout the day, cardio in the morning, weight training, adequate sleep, correct ratios of protein, carbs and fats, ect. You'll be proud of yourself and excited about how effective a healthy plan is!!

#4: Talk to God. Read you BIBLE. Yup, this definitely a spiritual battle. Your mind is what needs to change here; it needs to be set to a different "default setting" when stress, tension and hunger creep in after a tough day. I start each morning with a verse of the day or a section of a reading plan. You'll get the GOOD flowing and it'll take up the space that'd get filled with desperate thoughts later. Talk to God before you eat; say out loud before your meals:

"Thank you Lord for this food and the blessing of providing my 'daily bread' again; I know some children have not even eaten today and I am grateful for my abundance."

You may need some outside resources to figure out how to ask God to help you in this area, I sure did. To really get serious about changing your mindset from feeling deprived and desperate to empowered and satisfied read "Made to Crave," By using this book, God is really reshaping my mind to see food completely differently. If he can do it with ME He can do it with anyone - I was so far gone I'd eat an entire pizza, plus some ice-cream and as many chocolate flavored calcium chews as I could find for good measure, and then go puke it up. Gross I know... but thats where I WAS not where I am, or where I'm going!

#5: Get an accountability partner. I found a girl at my local gym who was basically my twin- God brought us to each other I swear. We were both really skinny  visible abs, pointy shoulders, fat -ess butts, blah blah), but we both binged routinely!! So we took on this fight as a team: We texted each other every night and every morning to report either a triumphant victory or admit falling into the trap.Having someone to rejoice with you on your victories, and pick you up when you fall is so helpful. It's like they care half the burden. We'd also text each other Bible verses and prayers, such as:

"Whatever you do, work at it wholeheartedly as though you were doing it for the Lord and not merely for men (like overcoming food cravings!)."

~ Colossians 3:23

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

~ Phillipians 4:12

*Note on this one though: Don't think about food too much; it actually makes it worse!! Don't spend your energy focusing NOT binging or eating right. Just go about your day per usual, eat meals on a regular schedule, do fun things!, and live like you don't 'have a problem.'



We made sure to do things completely unrelated to food, like
hiking or shopping or just chatting about our friends and family

#6: Talk positive to yourself ALL DAY. This is where the other book I'd reading, "Power Thoughts" by Joyce comes in. The book covers "12 Strategies to WIN the BATTLE of the MIND" which is exactly what an eating disorder is. Think to yourself: "Today is good because ___.; I am looking forward to ___.; I'm doing what I love, this is exciting being a ___!!; I love ___ (healthy food choice)!; ____ is such an effective lifting exercise!; God loves me just the way I am! I am a cherished, precious, and valued child of God. I am talented at ___.; My friends are so loving and special." and so on.

The goal of conquering this eating disorder is to take back your joy and happiness from the struggles that have stolen them; definitely don't feel guilty about enjoying you food! It's 100% okay to like food; food only becomes a problem when you want it more than God and you're being ruled by it.

______________________________

Whew, just reading that you must be tired!! (Be sure you nap instead of heading to the fridge ;p) Just a few final thoughts before you go though, just because you're in battle doesn't mean your struggle with food defines you or your thoughts... You were made for more than this. 


"Remember who you are" as Lysa TerKeurst in "Made to Crave" says. God IS going to win this, you don't have to just do better... you WILL get completely free.

God bless,
Ruthie