Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Victory Without Competition

My mind races, my hands quiver uncontrollably, and my heart beats in what feels like slow motion as I type this...

A strange mix of emotions swell up within me: feelings of great delight and relief to finally be disclosing something I struggled with for a long time - but have now overcome; yet also I feel twinges of pain and shame for what I have done. These thoughts fight back and forth in my mind as I begin to share with you - no, more like tear back the curtain  - over a dark and silent desperation. Oh, how I wanted so badly to write this post earlier! Oh how I yearned to be well, to be cured, to be fit, normal, healthy, and vigorous again. One of the most painful truths I have ever learned is that:

You Cannot Go From "Before" To "After" Without "During."

Many times I was still in the "During" and couldn't see the light of "After," but  I felt so far from "Before!" 

The is a light at the end of a long and difficult journey
What secret and silent desperation could I possibly be talking about? My life is shared candidly and honestly on a daily basis over Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and this blog.

That being said, you likely already know that I started competing in NPC Bikini competitions about two years ago (The full story here: Going For It: My First Competition) The first show was a really more of a way to spice up my fitness routine by testing  my physique against the fittest in the Montana countryside than anything else. I wasn't going for the win or the title, I was kinda just curious and thought, "why not?" Not a very compelling backstory to an IFBB Pro card and a Ms. Bikini Olympia International invite to say, 'a college classmate of mine just suggested I do a bikini competition,' but that's all it took! From there I was off to be the best (More on that here: Bikini Babay!). 
My very first show

From my first show to winning my Pro card

After my first show I decided to get serious about being a #1 bikini competitor (My post on that here: IT. IS. ON.). I hired the best coach in the field, I paid for a year in advance, and I signed up for more shows. I was going to get good at this! ... Gosh this is hard to actually voice the problem I started this post to confess to you!...  Here goes: Four months later, during the competition prep for my first show under a professional trainer, I developed an eating disorder. What started in the same way that many competitors consider a usual occurance: a week of extreme dieting followed by a weekly cheat meal, a post show binge here, a "refeed" there; ended in full blown Bulimia Nervosa, a disintegrated metabolism, a wrecked body, and a self-deprecating and fragile girl struggling to reassemble all the shattered pieces. Let me warn you my dear fellow fitness competitors: Beware of the binge/diet cycle. It is delirious and organized gluttony. And it is just that: a cycle, that once started may never end, or may take years to escape. It took me almost two years.

Post-show binging is not harmless and it is not healthy.

You guys, this is so hard to talk about. It is so difficult to try to explain why I would do such a horrible and destructive thing as eat copious amounts of the foods that I knew would ruin my fitness goals, and then shortly thereafter: drink hot water, lay on the floor rolling my stomach to loosen it back up, and then spend a half hour over the toilet bowl wretching up as much as I could - until my eyes were swollen and tear filled, and my heart was beating in my forehead. I was so caught up in the desire and the pressure to get better and better... to not only preform, but win... to be what the judges wanted. I honestly have no idea what my thoughts were at the time. I defined myself by what I thought others wanted from me, and I would do ANYTHING to maintain and acheive that. Anything. When the pressure got to great? Binge. A flurry of stuffing everything from peanut butter and cheese, to frosting, to straight coconut oil and sugar mixed together. Sometimes it was fast food: 3 orders of curly fries and cheesecake. Sometimes it was bakery goods: donuts, brownies, cookies. Sometimes it was pizza and wine. Sometimes... it was all of that and more. Fast-farward... through the emotion-numbing and pressure releasing binge... to the guilt. A split second after realizing, "Oh SH!T, I just ate X,000 calories" comes the damage control: the purge.... The desperate attempt at preserving my "fit" image and perceived successful happiness.  Eventually the fear of failing and being "fat" prevailed (this would be the purge) over just wanting to escape it all, throw my hands up, just have some fun, and not worry about it all anymore (this would be the binge). I blush to say this cycle would repeat itself up to ten times in a given day. Actually, I got too depressed to keep count. I have no idea what my highest number of binges in a day was... It was A LOT. You see, I set massive amounts of pressure on myself to succeed, and massive amounts of pressure can make someone do almost anything to achieve success. I felt like (and was often told this as well) that I had a gift/blessing for this sport, and if I didn't give it 110% of all I had then I was failing myself and the world! Some common thoughts I had included:

"I need to get a 21 inch waist,"
"My glutes aren't tight enough,"
"___ is gonna beat me if I don't push harder,"
"People look up to me, I can't disappoint them!"
"I have to impress the judges, I have to catch their eye!"
"I am expected to do ___ show,"
"I have to do this. I can't quit now,"
"I want this too bad to fail."
"___ said I inspire them, I can't let them down!"
"I have to finish what I started!"
I got extremely skinny, but I never felt small
enough. I always pushed farther. I didn't want
to be weak or stop short of maximum effort.

Competing brought out a savage underlying weakness: to sacrifice all happiness and reason for the sake of succeeding. Succeeding at that which I was convinced was my "calling," because as I did well, I was encouraged... and encouragement feels good! At first. But then, all I was accomplishing was what other people wanted to see me do. At the root, it wasn't competing that made me prone to an eating disorder. It was taking that desire for other's approval, for getting that "you are #1." approval from the judges, from my coach, from my teammates, and from those who followed my budding fitness career.

Tiny waist and tight glutes were the only things
that mattered in my mind when I was competing 



_________________________________________________________


As a necessary step to regain a healthy lifestyle and win my battle with an eating disorder, I have decided it is best for my health - both mentally and physically -  to not continue to compete in IFBB Bikini competitions. This is a choice I had to make for me. Some of you already knew I about this, but for those of you who didn't I hope all of my amazing friends, former teammates, and followers understand my decision. I am so much happier and healthier now! And trust me, this is not the last you've seen of Ruthie Harrison ;) I have a great passion for sharing health and fitness with anyone who will listen, and this battle with bulimia will ultimately makes my mission even more effective.
_________________________________________________________


Fitness competitions are NOT, in and of themselves, inherently evil! NO! Fitness competitions can be great catalysts to self-confidence, to personal betterment, to improved self-value, to meeting like-minded and lifelong friends, to finally learning how to workout and eat clean, and to finally believe and prove to yourself that you CAN and WILL reach a goal if you work hard.  That is a very positive thing and Lord-knows how many women and men in this world would benefit from finding that out!


I know this feeling of pride and PROVING to yourself that you can do what you set out to accomplish. I accomplished what I set out to do: I earned my IFBB Pro card. I didn't cheat, I didn't take steriods, I didn't do favors for the judges, pay off any one or do anything dishonest ... no, I just worked my butt off and achieve fast, jaw-dropping, transforming results. My efforts sculpted a winning physique, won shows, earned my Pro card, and fast. 

Earning my Pro card was one of the most gratifying feelings in the world. 

HOLY. 
SMOKES. 

I WON!

I worked so, so, so hard to get there - so many workouts, so much dieting, so many expenses - literally, emotionally and physically; but it didn't matter because I DID IT! It was all worth it in that moment. My journey from rookie to professional wouldn't have been near as swift without the mentoring of my coach; but my commitment to strict dieting and an intense workout plan brought me the physique I needed to join the top ranks. From there, I even earned a spot in the 2012 Bikini Olympia. NO coach out there wants anyone to develop an eating disorder, and I want to make it clear that I take 100% ownership of MY choices to binge, purge, and not step back from competition's rigorous dieting before binging escalated to bulimia. You should know though, there are certain dietary practices that research shows encourage an eating disorder, and a repetitive dietary plan is one of them. The food plan I followed was VERY repetitive. For the sake of consistency and coach-ability (it's easier to know what to change/vary to gain results if you know exactly what hasn't been varying) my coach had me repeat a single day's worth of meals for 30 consecutive days; subject to change if needed - based on my progress photos. Such repetitiveness is a definite no-no for someone who has had issues with food; the repetition breeds boredom, which potentially breeds the risk of  "acting out" against it - aka: Binge. 

REAL TALK... The following statement I mention as an honest disclaimer: Competing makes you at higher risk for taking extreme measures to reach "success," such as an eating disorder. * I must warn you (especially the ladies): Competing is not all glitz, glam, and victory! With competing there is also a heightened risk of developing a new problem, or worsening an existing problem, with body-image and/or an eating disorder. 

Getting extremely skinny to the point where my body was actually screaming for nutrients and variety of food was definitely the reason for my first binge. Serious physical need was the start of my eating disorder, and even after reaching a healthier weight - the disorder did not stop. It is true though, that although competing was absolutely the catalyst that drove me to rock bottom, but it wasn't the root problem - I needed to love ME and actually value who I am.

Many incredibly athletic men and women compete in bodybuilding shows like I did, but do so in a normal and health way - with healthy goals, a positive and realistic attitude towards winning or losing. I have witnessed (and partook in) some very extreme and unhealthy practices in the competition world, but these practices are not necessary to achieve and maintain a stage ready physique, and in the end they definitely hurt your placings (and so much more). I know these practices are unnecessary to win because women like Amanda Latona, Erin Stern, Jen Jewell, Nicole Moneer, Nicole Wilkins, Tanji Johnson, among others are placing very well in the WBFF and IFBB Professional Leagues and are not doing them.


Erin Stern is an amazing athlete, competitor, and
role model. She IS healthy and portrays a healthy
example for competitiors and non-competitiors alike.

Jen Jewell is another example of a woman who lives a healthful,
incredibly fit lifestyle and is also a competitor. Not all competitors
are unhealthy on the inside, as Erin and Jen show. There are
many many other women and men who fall into the "Healthy
Competitor" category too.



So, if we were to look at this whole ordeal in a positive light - consider this: I wouldn't have learned about and eventually (after 2 years of struggling with bulimia) changed a very flawed and very crutial character trait without competing and without an eating disorder budding it's ugly head. Before I ever set foot on a bodybuilding stage in clear hooker heels and a bedazzled bikini, I put far too much worth into other's opinion of me and far too little worth into my own happiness.

Someone very close to me during my struggle said this of my eating disorder:
"Bulimia was a poor stress response to a self-imposed and magnified feeling of required perfection."

That might seem "cold" but it is an just observation, and it is the cold hard truth. She was absolutely right. Yes, I had pressure to be perfect. No doubt. I had pressure to preform. No doubt. But the key here is how did I see myself?... And sadly, the answer is: not very well. I felt like I was required to be perfect. I self-imposed that requirement instead of just, "Doing my best" I lived and died by: Follow The Plan! I was under the extensive rules of:  DO NOT EAT OFF PLAN, DON'T USE CONDIMENTS, ALWAYS WEIGH YOUR FOOD, NO SUBSTITUTIONS, NO SNACKING, NO 'RECIPES,' NO ___, ONLY ___, but I didn't take these as "guidelines"... no, they were absolute necessity! I finally had gotten myself to a point where I absolutely could not be perfect anymore. I was incapable of perfection... Anyone would be. But to me it felt like a failure. I can't pinpoint where this feeling took root, but somewhere in my youth I developed this idea that I had to always be better; "good enough" was for losers and lazy people. I also thought I was getting pretty darn close to the point where if I was to continue to improve the only thing left to obtain was perfection. My appearance... the pursuit of the perfect physical appearance drove me stress and worry, fret and sweat, pinch and pull, binge and purge, cry and cry and cry and cry. My perception of what others expected of me, is the root of why I took such destructive and agonizing lengths to maintain the expected outcomes and successes. Can you see what I'm trying to say here? Clinical research shows that I am not alone in this; in fact, far too many very successful people are incredibly unhappy because they see their existence in terms of their accomplishements and what they can offer, instead of who the are and their intrinsic value in their character and love.  So as soon as they can no longer offer that perfection and excellence they are striving for, it's game over. Sadly, the most "perfect" people in appearance are quite often the least happy and whole people. So really, at the end of the story I am a much more healthy and whole person having combated this terrible problem and won.

Yeah buddy! I  persevered and eventually beat my
eating disorder back, re-learning how to be a happy
and healthy woman. If fact - healthier than ever.

Before I may have seemed like I had it all together, but let me shatter once and for all the "perfection image" I have attempted to uphold over the course of my life. Over the last two years  - on the outside you have seen perfect grades, a budding and successful engineering career, an on-fire Christian walk, and a straight-to-the-top athletic pursuit, a pretty face, and a fit body. But, I AM NOT PERFECT. Not even close! And that's OK! In fact, that's awesome! Why?

~ It gives God a chance to shine when I can't, be strong when I am weak, and be perfect when I am imperfect. Something I always said I believed in... but never let Him prove until now.

~ It gives my friends a chance to love me, to support me, to help me, and to be there for me. A chance I never dared to give them before now.

~ It gives my supporters and fans a real idea of success; a healthy way to stay fit; an honest example of moderation in eating clean and a sometimes eating a little dirty; training hard and taking rest days; and winning but sometimes losing.


I am just a girl, but I am strong. I am just a girl, but I have an amazing God, the best friends, and the most supportive fans a girl could ask for. I am just a girl, but I am everything I am suppored to be! Now that I have shattered that fake "perfection image" I used to have, let me tell you about the real me: My name is Ruthie Harrison; I love big salads and weight training; I am a smarty pants and a nerd; I make lots of mistakes but I always try my hardest; I love sprinting my heart out, helping others get started in fitness, making banana bread, sharing God's love with everyone, and lifting heavy.

I am victorious. I went from a "Before" through a "During," to an "After" and I am freaking proud of myself. I am more than a conqueror! 


_________________________________________________________



If you are out there, reading this with tear filled eyes because you know all too well the pain and loneliness of an eating disorder, I want you to know it can end. You will be healed. You can overcome this (
check out this site: Overcoming Binge Eating). It is not a permanent state. Get help, either support from your family, your pastor, your best friend - whoever you feel comfortable with, but do not stay isolated! I know its scary. I know what you're going through, I have been there myself. Over 7 million Americans have binge eating disorders, but you do NOT have to remain one of them! I thought I'd never be back to normal again, but thank God I was wrong.

Don't give up!! Just think, after stopping binging your life will be so much more full of joy! remember how carelessly happy you were as a child? That can come back! Although I am still on my journey of freedom from emotional eating and using food as a comfort - but I have come so far! I am still learning everyday; and honestly for me it took hiring a professional counselor to learn some healthy and effective tactics to stop seeing myself in the negative way I was, and treating my body so poorly. Yes- I saw a psychologist. If you might need to too, there is no shame in that! There is nothing bad about having a personal trainer, a dietician, a pastor, a language instructor... And this is no different - you want to learn something: how to conquer bulimia in this case, and they know how. Try as I might I couldn't make myself think differently all on my own, My therapist is a Christian Psychologist who specializes in treating eating disorders, Dr Anthony Hwang. Over the past 5 months, I went through - and am currently finishing the last few, post-disorder sessions - of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The therapy is detailed and outlined in "Overcoming Binge Eating" a book by Christopher Fairburn, available on Amazon.com.

I spent a lot of time trying and failing, and trying and failing, and trying and failing less... And learning more, and overcoming and eventually - winning. I don't enter Bikini competitions anymore in pursuit of victory, I win every single day that I no longer fall victim to an eating disorder. It gets harder before it gets better; but by the power of God IT GETS BETTER. You are worth the time it will take to overcome this. You ARE worth it. You're worth more than gold. 




I am always here if you need someone to talk to, message me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/bikiniruthie or email me: bikiniruthie@gmail.com


Blessings,
Ruthie



26 comments:

  1. Ruthie, Thank you for sharing. I am still your biggest fan. This blog took some courage and I respect your honesty. Good luck with your new journey. God bless! Jerika

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  2. This was a great read. You are so brave to have told the whole world about your struggles a. Your decision to get yourself better. I'm sure many women can relate.
    Thank you for this!

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  3. u r a brave girl to be so open and honest about your life xxx hugs xxx u r a champion not because of before, during or after, not because u got your pro card and competed, not because u achieved your goals, but solely due to the fact that u finally became an enlightened, spiritually evolved, emotionally intelligent and genuinely authentic being by embracing yourself, accepting yourself, determining your own worth, loving yourself, and most importantly forgiving yourself with compassion xxx u seemingly succeeded in getting what u wanted which led to your downfall, however u became a champion when u embraced the realization that your needs take precedent over your wants xxx u wanted to achieve, but all u need is the honest truth that u, alone, determine your happiness and value by accepting yourself, loving yourself and forgiving yourself xxx love is the constant present moment, it is actional, spiritual, mental, and emotional xxx there r 9 faces of God's virtuous love, u, Ruthie, are the 3rd face of God xxx your temptation/passion/vice is achievement, but this is a deceitful notion, your true self is about being authentic which only comes from the triumph of truthfulness and honesty xxx now u r finally a champion xxx not for achieving, but only from sincerely being honest with yourself and loving yourself xxx forgiveness and the action of love is the 9th face of God xxx when a person who is the 3rd face of God feels secure they will act like the 9th face of God, but when they feel stressed they act like the 6th face of God by either being courageous, loyal and faithful or choosing a fear based reality xxx know this about yourself from now on xxx i am the master of many enlightened and metaphysical sciences like no other so I could tell u endlessly about u!! xxx this is not even the tip of the iceberg but a small dab of paint from your soul xxx hugs xxx u r a majestic angel, Ruthie xxx start loving yourself as much as I can love u, this is not a competition xxx u r not alone xxx when u need support I am always now here for u 24/7 as I am for others I choose who I feel deserve me xxx u certainly do not need me, but know I'm here for u just in case u feel u do xxx hugs xxx thank u for being so open, honest and vulnerable as that is the mark of a truly triumphant soul xxx hugs xxx I'm sure there r many in Heaven and on Earth that will always be there for u too xxx :)

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  4. u r a brave girl to be so open and honest about your life xxx hugs xxx u r a champion not because of before, during or after, not because u got your pro card and competed, not because u achieved your goals, but solely due to the fact that u finally became an enlightened, spiritually evolved, emotionally intelligent and genuinely authentic being by embracing yourself, accepting yourself, determining your own worth, loving yourself, and most importantly forgiving yourself with compassion xxx u seemingly succeeded in getting what u wanted which led to your downfall, however u became a champion when u embraced the realization that your needs take precedent over your wants xxx u wanted to achieve, but all u need is the honest truth that u, alone, determine your happiness and value by accepting yourself, loving yourself and forgiving yourself xxx love is the constant present moment, it is actional, spiritual, mental, and emotional xxx there r 9 faces of God's virtuous love, u, Ruthie, are the 3rd face of God xxx your temptation/passion/vice is achievement, but this is a deceitful notion, your true self is about being authentic which only comes from the triumph of truthfulness and honesty xxx now u r finally a champion xxx not for achieving, but only from sincerely being honest with yourself and loving yourself xxx forgiveness and the action of love is the 9th face of God xxx when a person who is the 3rd face of God feels secure they will act like the 9th face of God, but when they feel stressed they act like the 6th face of God by either being courageous, loyal and faithful or choosing a fear based reality xxx know this about yourself from now on xxx i am the master of many enlightened and metaphysical sciences like no other so I could tell u endlessly about u!! xxx this is not even the tip of the iceberg but a small dab of paint from your soul xxx hugs xxx u r a majestic angel, Ruthie xxx start loving yourself as much as I can love u, this is not a competition xxx u r not alone xxx when u need support I am always now here for u 24/7 as I am for others I choose who I feel deserve me xxx u certainly do not need me, but know I'm here for u just in case u feel u do xxx hugs xxx thank u for being so open, honest and vulnerable as that is the mark of a truly triumphant soul xxx hugs xxx I'm sure there r many in Heaven and on Earth that will always be there for u too xxx :)

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  8. I am so proud of you Ruthie for being transparent and sharing your struggle. From the moment I met you, I knew you had such a calling on your life!!! WOW, His light is shining on you ever-brighter with each day. May His blessings overtake you! :-)

    Love your SIC,
    Kimberly Renee

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  9. Hey Ruthie,

    First of all, Thank you...For sharing this incredibly scary, intimate, and honest part of your life. You are so incredibly strong to come forward and bring this to light. This had to have been impossibly hard for you to go through, and to write about. You are truly beautiful inside and out, whether you weigh 100lbs or 200lbs lol. It makes no difference. I wish you nothing but the best in your goals and future. P.S. Go eat a cookie and savour every morsal, but most of all don't feel guilty about it, you deserve it.

    James Elligson (Grizzley Fitness)

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  10. I really needed this blog. I've been toying with the idea of not competing anymore due to the simple fact that it threw me into an eating disorder. I thought Contest Prep was going to take me to new heights in my fitness-life, but little did I know that it would cause me to place so much emphasis in the "can't haves" even though prior to ContestPrep, they were all "dont' wants"! Post-contest rebound of 20lbs... Now I know why this is so common.

    Thank you for being so open and honest, we need more #Realtalk about this problem in the fitness industry!!

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  11. Ruthie, I am so glad to have read your shared story. May I also suggest you look into the work being done by Scott Abel and Angie Gooding? Both these people are highly informed in their coaching practices by years spent in the world of physique competitions. I wish you nothing but peace and balance. Good luck on your journey to wholeness!

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  12. Great blog Ruthie. You are a great writer and have good balance and flow in your message- I totally understand what you mean by it being a battle within yourself and respect that you do NOT point fingers at the people who were helping you. As so many other people do! Thanks for the great read. :)

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  13. Great blog Ruthie. You are a great writer and have good balance and flow in your message- I totally understand what you mean by it being a battle within yourself and respect that you do NOT point fingers at the people who were helping you. As so many other people do! Thanks for the great read. :)

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  14. Ruthie,
    First I want to say Praise God! Thank you so much for your story! Your post came through on my facebook feed (through siouxcountry) at JUST THE PERFECT TIME! I am new to the figure competition world and began to train last July. Through the new year I told myself this was the year I'd become pro and would be able to transform a winning physique to all of the standards and intentions you mentioned. I truly believe God sent me to see your post on this day, because I just realised I could have been very close to where you were! All of the Binge eating you listed- I DID IT, cakes donuts, late night fast food stops to 3 places to fill this void! I am just so happy to read your story because it could not have been a better time! I am beginning to realize that if I want to compete, I want to be healthy and happy and have a true purpose for it; not just the facade of perfection. I just thank God for you because your whole story sounds just like what I have been going through so THANK YOU! Since following Siouxcountry I have seen the most real, inspiring posts by caring genuine people that can help all women! I am so grateful! Bless you on your continued journey and brings me joy to see your faith! There is no greater Love than him and I just pray for your continued strength and blessing! Thank you for your inspiration on the Renewal of my "during" looking forward to the After! Thank you again for your honest story. I am going to reread this post anytime I get discouraged or distracted! BLESS YOU <3
    Love,
    Your sister in Christ
    Debbie Milanova

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  15. Wow just simply inspirational! God Bless you for sharing this story.

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  16. As I sit here and read this shaking my head and having tears in my eyes knowing all to well how it feels to be told to Do Better. Lose Weight, Get Tighter, Stop Cheating. We as competitors are taught that being perfect in everything is the only way to be. Perfect in your Workouts, your Diet, Your Appearence, and most importantly our BODIES. If we arent perfect we will never win. Years of hearing this takes a toll on our self image and destroys who we are and the person we were coming into this sport. Thank you Ruthie for sharing so openly your story. I know that so many woman out there along can totally relate to your "during" phase. I am so happy that you have overcome and made it to your "after" and hope that others who read this that are also struggling will find thier "after" as well before ut is too late. You truly are a GORGEOUS woman inside and out you are a blessing to all. Thank you. Joanna Dara National Bikini Athlete. xo

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  17. Thank you for sharing. I have a lot of respect for you Ruthie <3

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  18. Ruthie! just wanted to say I love you :) you shine Jesus' light girl <3

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  19. Aw thanks for sharingyour story Ruthie! You are exactly where you are supposed to be now and keep doing your thing! x0x0x0

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  20. thanks so much for posting this ruthie. i struggled with bulimia during high school, and eventually recovered. when i turned 20 and wanted to do my first bikini competition, other stressors were affecting me and i ended up with a full-blown eating disorder again (binge eating which turned to bulimia). i trained for 20 weeks for my first show, and my body was exactly where it was supposed to be (so my coach said), but i was still binging/purging at least once a week and backed out of the show. i didn't feel like i was lean enough at all at the time. since then, i've gained about 15 lbs and have been eating "normal" (not following a strict diet/exercise plan) and i look back on my progress pictures and i'm shocked that i thought i needed to be leaner. i'm not blaming my eating disorder on wanting to compete either. i think there are MANY factors that lead to the development of an ED (such as childhood trauma, low self-esteem, pressure to be perfect, genetics, etc.). however, i had put SO much pressure on myself to look a certain way, i forgot about the important things in life. i completely isolated myself, never saw friends, and stayed in my apartment weekend after weekend, alone. i've been seeing a therapist for almost a year now (i'm almost 22) and she mentioned doing in-patient treatment for 2 months. i really wish i could beat this on my own, and it gives me hope that you beat it yourself. to be honest, i remember looking at your FB photos, wishing i could be as healthy as you mentally and physically. i tend to judge people and think that i'm the only one this "messed up," and that all these famous fitness models and competitors just have it completely together. i still want to compete in the future, but i don't ever want it to be my LIFE, and i want to be 100% healthy and happy before i begin to prep again. thank you for being SO inspiring. you are so beautiful inside and out and i'm so happy you've recovered and i hope soon, i can say the same about myself.

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  21. Praise God for allowing me to run into this post at the PERFECT time. I seriously read EVERY SINGLE word in this post, with tears filling up my eyes, and relating to EVERY single experience described. My life experiences have been similar to yours: perfect grades, captain of the dance team, college grad with honors, achieved the top of the top in pageants, NBA dancer, and lived to please the parents. I had SO much pressure on being perfect and not because it was purely expected from others but because I felt I had identified myself through how others viewed me. Currently, I am preparing for my first bikini comp, and I keep second guessing myself if I made the right decision. For many years since high school, off and on, I have battled the whole "bingeing and purging" cycle. I decided to dedicate myself in fitness and healthy eating to stay away from that "dark side" of my life. But every now and then, when I would prepare for something, it would all come back and I would be back to the deep feelings of guilt. I am thinking about taking a break first before trying to compete because I realized maybe sticking to a rigid meal plan isn't the best ideal for, what I consider myself at this time, recovering victim of an eating disorder. I have been sober from bulimia for about a year and just recently, about a month into the program, I started having the urge to do it again. You are so right,,,this sport may not be the best idea for someone battling an eating disorder or on the edge of it. I definitely have alot to think about and pray about because just like you, I was enjoying this life of being healthy up until I was given these guidelines.

    Praise God for you post and thank you for showing your vulnerability to the public eye. You probably just saved me from something that could have brought me back to a darker place that I do not want to revisit. Not at all. I feel like this post truly spoke to my heart. THANK YOU. Praying for you.

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