At this point in my life, I have been thrust into the realization that I need to make a decision: Who do I want to be?
Everything that was "upcoming" has now come: graduation, move, pro card, first real job... and I am faced with the somewhat terrifying (I'll explain why later) possibility to just coast and decide that good enough is good enough. I could easily sit back and say, "Hey look- I did it, cool. That was fun." Why do I find that terrifying? That one little word: "WAS." It is utterly awful to imagine the best things in my life, my greatest goals and accomplishments all happening before my 23rd birthday; with nothing else great or challenging to follow. I could be satisfied with that !? I AM satisfied with my accomplishments, but I am NOT satisfied for them to be the end of my pursuit of excellence. I did however, play with the idea... the idea of just being "normal" ... of pulling completely out of competing in fitness shows and chilling out as an average girl, of not setting a new goal. Ya know, no crazy challenging workouts, no 4:30am cardio, no cross-country trips for photo-shoots or competitions. Just me.
I'll be straight with you, I even half-tried it for two weeks. Not as much in practice, but in my head I sure did. I had a rough start getting food poisoning on my first day back from Jr. Nationals, and ended up taking most of that week off from training. But the next week I woke up and did an hour of cardio at 4:30am, then switched to evening cardio the following week; I did food prep; I went to the gym (most days); and even toyed with starting a Pro show prep, or booking some photo shoots, or maybe "get super lean" ?? I didn't know what I wanted! Offset that with my gratuitous love of food, new location -> new restaurants, new found freedom, and overall high stress level (due to all the changes) and you have an tremulous combination of indecision and half-on/half-off fitness commitment. Let me say this; "You CANNOT serve two masters." You cannot indulge in tasty food + work out like a maniac; stay up late + wake up early; not care anymore + want to stay on the plan. You simply CAN. NOT. It will (and did) tear a "follow the plan" and "do your best" kinda girl in two. I am being honest with you here not because I feel this is a deeply insightful observation (more like a no duh!), but because I want to be brutally honest with myself, and with you.
I was not being who I wanted to be! I was stressed out, pulled in a million directions, and not committing to anything. Want to know the biggest problem with that? I wasn't committing to God's plan for me. I wasn't trusting He had one! I wasn't leaning on His strength, or any one's, I was crashing. Here is where brutal honesty comes in: if one day you find yourself staring in the mirror and a person aren't proud to be, for heaven's sakes change it! Some people deceive themselves by thinking they can hide from God, but you have to agree that you will never escape the presence of yourself. If "you" doesn't like you, doesn't want to be you, and doesn't want to work with you; then you have truly reached then end of joy, happiness, improvement, peace, love, and quite frankly everything good about life. As complicated as that seems to be, the fix is easy: STOP being that old you, and start practicing the attributes you admire. For example, for me this looked like:
- Loving: nice to others, listens, shows care for friends and family, puts others above self no matter what.
- Consistent: unwavering pattern of good diet and fitness habits, shows up on time, goes to bed at a decent hour, doesn't impulse buy or waste time/money.
- Joyful: full of the joy of knowing my Savior, secure in the incredible plan God has laid out for me to discover, happy for other's successes and gifts, finds the good in every situation.
- Calm/Courageous: Undeterred by obstacles, persistently striving forward, finds a way to make it work, takes every advantage to succeed, doesn't play the victim or just "cry about it."
Get where I'm going with this?? ... You can think of your own character attributes and descriptions I'm sure. The governing decision was that: "Hey I want to be better today. I deserve to be better today. My God deserves me to try harder today." I want the characteristics of who I am to be: loving, consistent, joyful, calm and courageous. I want to be THAT girl!
I now strongly believe that we all NEED to aspire to something ... to want to be better. I no longer see it as a chore and a burden to make a new goal after the old one is met; it is exciting and gives me something to strive towards, and focus my energy on. Plus, it means I accomplished what I thought was a lofty dream, and now I get to reach even HIGHER.
* "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson *
* "Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." ~ Lance Armstrong *
* “The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark." ~ Michelangelo *
Link to: More quotes :) on success and goals.
Everything that was "upcoming" has now come: graduation, move, pro card, first real job... and I am faced with the somewhat terrifying (I'll explain why later) possibility to just coast and decide that good enough is good enough. I could easily sit back and say, "Hey look- I did it, cool. That was fun." Why do I find that terrifying? That one little word: "WAS." It is utterly awful to imagine the best things in my life, my greatest goals and accomplishments all happening before my 23rd birthday; with nothing else great or challenging to follow. I could be satisfied with that !? I AM satisfied with my accomplishments, but I am NOT satisfied for them to be the end of my pursuit of excellence. I did however, play with the idea... the idea of just being "normal" ... of pulling completely out of competing in fitness shows and chilling out as an average girl, of not setting a new goal. Ya know, no crazy challenging workouts, no 4:30am cardio, no cross-country trips for photo-shoots or competitions. Just me.
I'll be straight with you, I even half-tried it for two weeks. Not as much in practice, but in my head I sure did. I had a rough start getting food poisoning on my first day back from Jr. Nationals, and ended up taking most of that week off from training. But the next week I woke up and did an hour of cardio at 4:30am, then switched to evening cardio the following week; I did food prep; I went to the gym (most days); and even toyed with starting a Pro show prep, or booking some photo shoots, or maybe "get super lean" ?? I didn't know what I wanted! Offset that with my gratuitous love of food, new location -> new restaurants, new found freedom, and overall high stress level (due to all the changes) and you have an tremulous combination of indecision and half-on/half-off fitness commitment. Let me say this; "You CANNOT serve two masters." You cannot indulge in tasty food + work out like a maniac; stay up late + wake up early; not care anymore + want to stay on the plan. You simply CAN. NOT. It will (and did) tear a "follow the plan" and "do your best" kinda girl in two. I am being honest with you here not because I feel this is a deeply insightful observation (more like a no duh!), but because I want to be brutally honest with myself, and with you.
I was not being who I wanted to be! I was stressed out, pulled in a million directions, and not committing to anything. Want to know the biggest problem with that? I wasn't committing to God's plan for me. I wasn't trusting He had one! I wasn't leaning on His strength, or any one's, I was crashing. Here is where brutal honesty comes in: if one day you find yourself staring in the mirror and a person aren't proud to be, for heaven's sakes change it! Some people deceive themselves by thinking they can hide from God, but you have to agree that you will never escape the presence of yourself. If "you" doesn't like you, doesn't want to be you, and doesn't want to work with you; then you have truly reached then end of joy, happiness, improvement, peace, love, and quite frankly everything good about life. As complicated as that seems to be, the fix is easy: STOP being that old you, and start practicing the attributes you admire. For example, for me this looked like:
- Loving: nice to others, listens, shows care for friends and family, puts others above self no matter what.
- Consistent: unwavering pattern of good diet and fitness habits, shows up on time, goes to bed at a decent hour, doesn't impulse buy or waste time/money.
- Joyful: full of the joy of knowing my Savior, secure in the incredible plan God has laid out for me to discover, happy for other's successes and gifts, finds the good in every situation.
- Calm/Courageous: Undeterred by obstacles, persistently striving forward, finds a way to make it work, takes every advantage to succeed, doesn't play the victim or just "cry about it."
Get where I'm going with this?? ... You can think of your own character attributes and descriptions I'm sure. The governing decision was that: "Hey I want to be better today. I deserve to be better today. My God deserves me to try harder today." I want the characteristics of who I am to be: loving, consistent, joyful, calm and courageous. I want to be THAT girl!
I now strongly believe that we all NEED to aspire to something ... to want to be better. I no longer see it as a chore and a burden to make a new goal after the old one is met; it is exciting and gives me something to strive towards, and focus my energy on. Plus, it means I accomplished what I thought was a lofty dream, and now I get to reach even HIGHER.
* "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson *
* "Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." ~ Lance Armstrong *
* “The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark." ~ Michelangelo *
Link to: More quotes :) on success and goals.
The only question i have not heard you answer is... Does God want me to continue? Is what i have chosen to do in the past and what I am going to do glorifying to God? (pray hard on that topic and God can make things clear)
ReplyDelete1 Timothy 2:9, Matthew 5:28, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (at what costs have your choices been made. Think about your future husband and what has been taken from him. Every man has basically seen you naked. Your body should be saved for your husband and not let out to the world)
God has answered that question. Of course YOU haven't heard His voice about MY life... No offense, but how can you assume that you know my relationship with my Savior? You don't and you couldn't possibly.
DeleteI always ask Him before I act, and I know His peace in my heart (or the LACK of that peace) will guide me to make decisions about what He does or doesn't want me to do. God has placed a passion and desire in my heart to be a voice in the fitness world, to convey the true meaning of "health and fitness" in all that encompasses- physically, mentally, and spiritually. God and I will figure it out, thanks anyways.
WOW Anonymous, I recognize you although you are anonymous...I used to be you. I know you are sad with life and follow no true ambition or desires of your heart because those of us that do know God leads his people into every area. Adam and Eve were naked, it is only men that make bodies sexual, that is not how God thinks about the body, that is something within you sadly that you are deflecting on other people. What Ruthie does is amazingly hard work, I know it is, I do it too! I used to be very overweight and judgemental of other people, just like you. I hope that the Lord is able to lighten your load and allow you to see the New Covenant of grace and love and that to judge others is only God's job...it will take so much of of your heavy burdened heart. God loves you, all your brothers and sisters in Christ love you and are pulling for you to allow your desires, your dreams that GOD himself placed inside of you to become real, so that YOU may be so peaceful and happy you never judge another person, YOU will love that life and that is the life God has intended for us to live :-)
DeleteBeautifully written and kind of just what I needed to read at the moment. Cant wait to see where you go and what you achieve. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Ruthie, needed that today..been going thru exactly this!!
ReplyDeleteSo glad I could help, don't give up and don't settle, you are unique and have talents and dreams that no one else can accomplish... you deserve to live that life!
DeleteYou are so inspiring! You are def what a good friend would be like. Congrats on all your successes! Can't wait to see where you go from here!
DeleteThis was incredibly inspiring, Ruthie. Feeling a similar emotion in my life, this particularly touched me. Thank you for sharing! XO
ReplyDeleteThank you Sofie! I almost didn't post this... but I am glad I did now. God can always use your trial for good!
DeleteGirl - super inspired by this. I must say that I have wondered how you manage to do it all - train, study, projects, weddings and bachelorette parties, etc. as a mom of two little boys, working part time and managing a household full time I have many times gotten to the breaking point, but it is at these times I have to remember "Let Go, Let God", because I too often think I am the one in control. So important to be reminded to surrender to God's plan and it will all work out. Thank you for this, super inspiring. Also, your attributes are directly in line with the Family Plan my husband and I have been creating and what we want ourselves as individuals, parents, spouses and children of God to look like, be like, etc. Thank you thank you again !
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting and sharing your experience, sometimes we feel like we're the only ones who are going through something... so not true! I appreciate your honesty too and I will be praying that you accomplish all your goals through His strength :)
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